by Valerie Erde

Note 1: This student wrote her essay in 2022, before any knowledge of the Barbie movie.

Sometimes, the most meaningful things you’ve done or experienced during high school don’t show up on a resume. Maybe your most significant experience was something that happened within. The essay is your opportunity to tell this kind of story—one that’s important for understanding who you are, and that might not come across in your other application materials. 

When an admissions officer opens up your essay, they want to know what makes you you, not just what extracurriculars were or what you want to major in. If you’re going to go this route, though, the key is to ground your personal journey in specific examples that demonstrate your insight or growth.  Using clear, vibrant language is important to make sure that your essay feels unique and specific, and fully captures who you are. That’s exactly what R.J. did in the following essay.

A last point…many students overthink their topic and overcomplicate their writing by using what they perceive as “sophisticated” language. While it’s important to include specifics and some descriptive language, substance should prevail over style! One of the reasons this essay worked so well is because of how straightforward it is!

Note 2: This student received a handwritten note from an admissions officer praising her essay.

The Essay: Leaving Behind A Plastic facade

Student: R.J.

Accepted to: Arizona State, Elon, Ohio State, Penn State, Univeristy Colorado Boulder, University of Indiana.
Attends Ohio State

Growing up, I had an enormous Barbie Dreamhouse with many dolls. However, one Barbie stood out from all the rest. Malibu Barbie looked like the picture-perfect girl with her beach-blond hair tied into a slick ponytail, stunning blue eyes that glistened, and an eye-catching hot pink swimsuit. And I imagined her having a picture-perfect life of days filled with endless fun -- swimming with dolphins, surfing at sunset, driving her friends around in her convertible. I also imagined Malibu Barbie as always having a sunny and outgoing demeanor free of flaws. Throughout my freshman and sophomore years of high school, I tried to present an idealized Barbie-like version of myself to the world. I appeared to be an always enthusiastic, independent young woman who knew exactly who she was. But I was lost, unsure of my identity and what I wanted from life. I covered up my fear of vulnerability with jokes and smiles. I wouldn’t share my emotions and insecurities with my friends. However, there were always holes in my facade as there were chips in Barbie's perfect image. Who was I under all the loudness, extroversion, and playfulness?

At the beginning of junior year, I began feeling ill. At first, my family and I couldn’t figure out what exactly was wrong. Weekly hospital trips and missing school for long periods of time became my normal. I was finally diagnosed with mono in mid-December, and my life took a turn. Instead of packing my schedule with activities such as soccer, track, school clubs, and going out with friends, I slowed down. Now that I had a lot of time on my hands and was able to reflect, I was faced with the hardest question of my life: who am I really?

During this period, I learned to appreciate my time alone. I read more, which introduced me to many characters I admired, including Elizabeth Bennett, the main character of one of my favorite Jane Austen books, Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth Bennett inspired me because she was an independent, strong willed, kind, and witty woman. Yet, she could be quick to judge and prideful. It was illuminating for me to see complex female characters who weren’t perfect. I also spent more time with my older brother. Though people have always considered us complete opposites, I learned that we were a lot more similar than we had thought. We’re both very passionate and thoughtful people. He showed me that I was never alone, and that having a strong family is very valuable. I even came to appreciate my friends more by seeing them less. I cherish the smaller moments I have with them more now.

Through the experience of having to step back and reflect, I’ve discovered new things about myself. Taking care of myself is important to me. Instead of channeling all my energy into others, I now focus more on myself. Writing poems has become an outlet for me to express my emotions. I’ve ended relationships with “friends” who only valued my smiling and joking sides and now surround myself with people who respect my uncertainty with myself. I’m okay knowing that I don’t have everything figured out and that I’m still a growing person.

Although I’m still on my journey towards finding myself, I feel a little closer than before. Instead of seeing myself as a girl aimlessly driving around in a convertible, I see myself as someone who has the drive to achieve her goals. I realize I’d rather be kind and sensitive than a shallow piece of plastic. In the past, I had perceived Malibu Barbie as the ideal woman for her beauty and sunny beach-girl persona. Now, I’ve come to appreciate that I’m a lot more than that. I don’t have to hide who I am to feel loved and valued. I’m enough just being my authentic self.

Why It Works

There’s a lot about this essay that works well. It gives the reader plenty of information about what matters to R.J., not just her values—caring for herself, spending time with family—but also what she likes to read, and the questions that she is interested in answering about herself as she grows older. And importantly, it conveys this information through a story with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Let’s break it down!

1. Sets the stage with descriptive language

In her opening paragraph, R.J. uses colorful, descriptive language to describe the Malibu Barbie that brings us right into her world. Then, she doesn’t skip a beat before introducing the central tenson of the essay. “I appeared to be an always enthusiastic, independent young woman who knew exactly who she was. But I was lost, unsure of my identity and what I wanted from life,” she writes. Immediately, application readers understand the internal conflict—the disconnect between the version of herself this applicant presents to the world and the person she is internally—that this essay will explore, and perhaps resolve. It’s a hook that works well. By opening with the description of Malibu Barbie, she has given us a concrete, well-articulated image to symbolize a journey that could otherwise seem much more abstract and harder to grasp.

2. is specific about the challenge

In the body of her essay, R.J.. offers specific examples to illustrate how her mindset changed after she got sick. She spends more time with her brother and understands anew the value of family. She focuses more on herself than she used to, engaging in inward-looking activities like writing poetry and prioritizing friendships where she can be herself in all of her uncertainty and complexity. As with the introduction of the essay, she also describes a character whom she looks to to understand aspects of herself. This time it’s Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. As R.J. puts it: “Elizabeth Bennett inspired me because she was an independent, strong willed, kind, and witty woman. Yet, she could be quick to judge and prideful. It was illuminating for me to see complex female characters who weren’t perfect.” Beyond telling admissions officers something about what kinds of books R.J. likes to read, this description also makes clear what she values in herself, clearly contrasting her description of Barbie at the start of the essay.

3. It looks ahead to the future

R.J.’s conclusion is particularly effective because she doesn’t just answer the questions she raised at the start of the essay. She also goes one step further and projects into the future. “Instead of seeing myself as a girl aimlessly driving around in a convertible, I see myself as someone who has the drive to achieve her goals,” she says. This hints at what the next chapter of her journey will look like, and offers a window on what she might be like when she is a student on a college campus. She may not have all the answers, but she is driven and excited about the path to uncovering them, which should be exciting to anyone looking to build a motivated and engaged college class.

The bottom line

Concrete examples and colorful language are essential, especially when you’re telling a story about a change that you underwent internally or describing aspects of your personality. Focusing on one central theme and a few illustrative characters can be the key to grounding your essay and giving readers a clear picture of who you are.

If you’re struggling to figure out how to tackle your college admissions essays, we can help! Get in touch with us today to schedule a consultation.

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